Sometimes we're dying being consumed & thats ok

I have problem with consumption and no not the olden days disease. I had a friend she was beautiful and intelligent and we were like sisters until she assaulted me. Assaulted. Until today when i got off the phone with her i never even genuinely considered that to be the situation. She spoke of sex, not out of context y'know were young women but she said a few things that struck me. A body is a body. After she assaulted me because we lived together i had no choice but to find roses in the concrete and honestly i loved pouring water into her ocean. She makes me feel so inadequate but not in a way where i'm envious or a ass kisser but it makes me love her more. She sees me and i think it's because i don't want anyone to and usually people are looking at me for years and i can contrive my way from familiarity...but enough with pleasant memories. 

Consumption. I let her consume me in highschool. I forgave her those years ago but i can never forget the echoes of our drunk full bellied laughs or her laying on my lap. Consumption. I'm at a point where after 2 years of healing one slip on this oiled floor and i'm rolling right back down into the abyss. I feel almost a carnal desire to let her have me. Not sexual but anyway, best friends again, anything and would you believe my mother loves me ? That i have friends ?  I do but i want her.

But she raped me. I've never used that word to talk about the situations i've been through with her and i still haven't said it out loud after 2 years  but that's what is was. For a long time i felt like i was even worse than i felt for letting it keep happening or for even starting to enjoy myself with her after a while. I'd find myself getting nervous to spread her legs just to please her when i'd just disassociated my way through a "nut". Back then i convinced myself it was special. That i was special to her and thats why she needed me and only me so badly. I swore it wasn't proximity or trauma or her weaponizing my adoration it was love. Just typing it now knowing im serious makes me a little sick.

Consumption. Is it a lack of love for the self that leaves you just wanting to give away all that you have ? Or maybe the opposite, a fuller human love that carves into your heart so deep you wanna give it away wrapped in your self respect, arteries and all . Is it a accomplishment to be so gifted at forgiving or am i weak ? Leaning on my strengths (emotional intelligence and denial LOL) to support me in a quest that may bring me to my knees. Scariest thing....i still love her. No matter what connotation you put on it. 

So for my bleeding hearts who are always getting the tears wrung from them by the flippant or traumatized, the crass and apathetic know that i see you. I gonna try setting boundaries to keep cannibalism at bay because knowing her she could not want this meal anymore tomorrow and i'll be left in another memory of her shadow, alone at the table eating myself slowly....with no sauce....OH GOD