So fall is finally upon us. October (ONE OF THE BEST MONTHS) is finally at hand tbh i've had so much pumpkin spice flavored stuff im talking bundt cake, starbucks (btw get a vanilla bean frap with 2 pumps of pumpkin and some shakes of pumpkin powder OR pumpkin frappe with pecan ofc with oat milk cause were unbloated dolls) so....much. I wanna talk about change. I changed a lot in my life, when i was younger it was a useful survival skill and as i've gotten older its really caused me to lose who i am at my core. I am a reactive person meaning my feelings are mainly determined by what i intake y'knoww music, people, tv and how i feel but i wanna spend the month molding something more permanent.
Im also kinda grateful for covid (r.i.p the fallenn) it gave me a chance to express myself in a way i just wouldn't have been comfortable doing under the watchful eye of normal teens before quarantine. During quarantine i was angry and confused and sad so my clothes reflected that and before that i was trancendening hunny just had my first breakup so i was a earthy bitch y'know grand rising and all that. When i graduated i was lost again so no matter what the feeling i was reflecting instead of angry i was half naked and now that i'm just...me i feel almost like im dressing a new doll. Not to mention i've had like 4 different "names" (for underground and internet) ivy, blondie, ebony, sage and for some reason the fake ass names do not help.
Because i'm not comfortable sharing my name online i dont think ill ever use my name for y'knoww the webbb but 'Erie' is the closest thing to my name i've called myself ever. So now i feel like im building a person from the ground up again but this time it's not all games. I'm not reinventing myself high at 2am or having some mental breakdown im literally building...me. I don't feel angry or sad everyday i just feel like myself and i haven't felt this way in a long time. I feel guilty sometimes because my habits and body are constantly playing catch up to my motivations and desires. I wanted glory when i first graduated..i wanted to charge into the battle of life, plunge my sword of capability into the worlds stomach and stand victorious with my foot on its neck....like right out of highschool. I burnt myself out having honestly drug dreams and now i'm JUST starting college in spring 2026. So now i'm trying to find the core of me that burnt and wavered into the air with other forgettable things.
I believe in Feng Shui that's why it's so important for us dolls to keep our spaces and things clean so our minds can be clean and clear. Im also taking this opportunity to declutter ALOT. My moms a hoarder (we'll get into that later LOL) so my house can be really fucking messy sometimes. To the point where it feels pointless to even start in a corner but tomorrow i will do so MAJOR cleaning. I don't wanna go into 1 of my 2 favorite seasons feeling like i don't deserve clean spaces...cause i do. We all do, and so it starts. I'm on a fun journey i can't wait to see who we becomes.
Erie signing outt <3
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