My brother was a physical example of my failures and shortcomings. As a child i couldn't trip while walking without my stride being compared to his and i couldn't sneeze without someone asking me why my immune system wasn't strong like his. My family is a educational bunch to say the LEAST (elitists) so we all know my mental abilities were compared and shat on constantly. I have always been a empathic and good minded person while my brother is the opposite. He doesn't like going out of his way for others or helping as a matter a fact he told me empathy is a handicap and not a skill. As a child punishment for simple things like talking in class included being locked home alone while my family went out together or locked in my room with work textbooks, a plate of food and water. Between the praise from our family and always being the accessory my mother used against me when i was in trouble, i constantly boiled over with jealousy i'd punch the wall and cry to myself trying to rationalize why i deserve less. 5, 7, 16 year old me clutching my knees wondering what i did to be treated this way and believing i deserve it.
My mom got severely depressed during quarantine. I'm talking sleeping all day, quit her job, not eating at all, i'd have to make her take showers, eat, grocery shop and this started my sophomore year of highschool. I was taking care of 2 children (my mom and my brother) and trying to be a kid of my own and it was failing. I was failing because there was no space for me. There was no space for me in my own life, i would wake up and immediately check on my mom for fear that she'd killed herself at night and from the beginning to end it's your normal teenage fall off story.
I started doing ecstasy everyday i had drug paraphernalia all over my room, a coke vial necklace, dead vapes in the trash, rolled up dollar bills on my desk...i was 16. So in trying to escape my familial prison i entered so many other arenas where i stood no chance. Against rave culture or date rape or stripping or even introducing my 24 year old boyfriend at 17. I wish my mom could've done more and i'm constantly mourning the teenage years that are smudged together by liquor and drugs. I wish she tried to save her little girl but i'm grateful i had the strength to save myself and here's where my brother comes in
My brother is currently 16. He's a junior in highschool, a super athlete and he's having a normal high school experience .My brother is....well...a man. He's ungrateful, he imposes his will on everyone and he feigns ignorance to get out of the simplest stuff. He also has a nicer car than me that my mother bought him this month. This red car is what this entries about. That red car. It mocks me with its functionality, its sleekness. My car is a old hyundai elantra which my uncle bought for when we were becoming unhomeless.
I was really angry honestly, i think i genuinely went through the 10 stages of grief and i'm thinking i was grieving my childhood. How long can i be angry ? Punching problems invisible to any other individual (had to do that slick wording) How long can i clutch my knees, scream out and ask the world or cyberspace why he gets more, more of my mom, more resources, better everything ?How long can i keep my mind a closed fist without raising it to him ? And if you have a younger sibling who makes you feel the same way ill tell you now you can't do it forever. Eventually you have to unclench your fists and realize their life is probably so much better because they had us. Someone that isnt a prideful parent to guide them and show them what love and companionship is. My brother is a physical example of my failures and shortcomings but he's also a physical example of my love.
He feigns ignorance to get out of the simplest stuff but he's so kind to others, he's rude and impatient but he's so smart so maybe having more as a teen is what he deserves. At 16 i was coming to school higher than the sky and doing lines off the sanitary bin but i met my soulmate at 16 and i've felt much more love than most people will ever feel and he's given me much more than i deserve....he's given me what i need. I am here on my own 2 feet without my mothers help in my teenage years but maybe he needs it even though he may not deserve it. My brothers getting what he needs and so am i.
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