Sometimes we drink through a month and thats ok

 Ok to be perfectly honest i haven't existed in a while...like y'know i've been out the house ive been perceived but i havent been. I got broken up with on my birthday (pretty recently) i refuse to recount the horror show cause, i don't want to remember the crying and sobbing he did, the repeated im sorries just piercing my eardrum. Now hold your pity this isn't some teenage love story this is a grown sordid romance that isn't over. Parts of me wish it was something sweet and silly to scoff at and move on from but no. 

This is 5 years of my life and all of my heart. In short we broke up because he's sad. I know right ? it's the staple excuse but he's truly depressed. One of the things we bonded over was our shared suffering. We've SUFFERED and we handle it differently. I bathe myself in rainbows so i cant see my troubles and he throws himself right into his troubles. His troubles scream, my troubles can be silenced to whispers. Now were still talking everyday, once again no clean break here but i enjoy it in a way, as i'm typing i wanted to say i need it but i don't. I thirst for it, i yearn, my bones rattle at his name and my blood runs into my face just to be closer to him....if that makes sense LOL. Enough male centered conversation lets talk about me.

I cant lie i haven't been good LOL. I've been neglecting myself (long before the break up). December and January are always taxing months between Christmas and my birthday and turning 21 this year oh man i had my FILL of the drink. I found so many laughs, headaches and horniness at the bottom of every bottle but after my birthday month was over it hit me....this is real life. The holidays, the party, even my relationship, its over. Life is back in session and before i had my boyfriend almost as a buffer for whats real. He hand fed me my politics, my intimacy and even with his realism shielded me from life's truths. But i'm real...like a real person. I breathe and i choose. I could get in my moms car and never stop driving, or walk off into the night with no pants, i could pick a career training penguins, make a musically or fucking bedazzle my crotch. 

 

So now that i have intention (growth, change & fucking hotness) i need to fix my vessel. My vessel is jacked up right now. I cut my fucking hair and regret it everyday...EVERY.FUCKING.DAY !! I just shaved my pits for the first time in like months it was giving jungle fever and not in a cute french way. So once i get my selfcare routine back in full swing it's time to decorate the vessel ok? I've been looking fuckin DRENCH as hell ok ?? Like i'm talking crazy, chopped cheese, chopping block, chop city. Like that's not a way that me when im ME is ok with looking like i be looking so dry i can't even take pics...oh no ma'am. I'm growing out my nails and my hair DESPERATELY but in a cute way yknow like i wanna see how i feel with natural nails, it also encourages me to more spacily aware AND i love the lil routine of putting on my cuticle oil. 

I'm finally exploring real treatment options for my ADHD as an adult, im fucking tired of being handicapped by my lovely neurodivergence. Like it's crazy im a fucking lazy fuck unless i plan my day extensively and everything goes according to plan. It's like my body and brain arent unplugged and i CAN'T function this way. So i'm getting a fresh adderall prescription like a #swag boss. There's nothing wrong with needing help dollies ! 

 As far as hobbies, girl.....CDS ! i've been straight freaked out bust wide for cds my collection is getting WIDE. I got Black sabbath, Adele 21, Avril Lavigne, Ja rule, Lauryn hill, Limp Bizkit, Judy garland, MELANIE MARTINEZ ? (thrifted btw) i found a walkman, painted it and it was over. Just need a cd carrier for my purse ughhh. I got a psp for christmas and i modded it out QUICK and she's just my baby now. I put barbie movies and stuff on her lots of games i just love her likeeee ? I also found a insane amount of ds games during the holidays omg. Found a ipod too i just need to put music on her and sew a case. Been trying to goon out on Overwatch less, them quick dopamine hits are killing my nervous system. Gonna write more poetry too. I feel better. Sitting here listening to Adele on my walkman, typing up on my blog i feel better.

Lastly, i met a boy. Now don't get me wrong he's something to do. I feel bad typing it and knowing it but he IS "something to do". He doesn't have much money but he's there. He's a 10 minute man but he's accessible and nice to look at. Usually when me and my partner would break up i'd go flail myself into a deep romance to forget or just to feel something but this time i don't want to. I worry if the pattern breaking means i'm growing or if things are just changing. Change is good. Change is scary but yeah he's there and that's all i need right now. As i sit here on my walkman listening to Adele i feel good. I wish i had a Miski cd.

Alright cuties thats enough outta me 

With love 

Erie